Marine Surveying
by sventastic
Summary: Strange interviews with our favourite OP marines. Severe crack. Smoker/Ace.


**Marine Surveying**

--

_The following transcripts are from recordings of interviews with various marines._

--

**Interview 1**

[Recording begins]

[Sounds of chairs scraping across the floor]

INTERVIEWER: Hello, sir. Thanks for taking time out of your busy schedule to meet me.

MAN: Tch, so you _did_ know that I was busy.

INT: Um, right. So! Please introduce yourself.

MAN: Captain Smoker.

INT: Really? It says here that you're a commodore…

[Silence]

INT: Um, okay. [Coughs] So tell me, why did you become a marine?

MAN: JUSTICE!!!

INT: P-pardon?

MAN: I said, "To toss miscreants into jail, or hit them with a giant stick."

INT: Right… that… _is _a rather large stick… can I see…?

MAN: No.

INT: Okay… Let's see… what's it like being a marine?

MAN: I get to toss miscreants into jail, or hit them with a giant stick. But there's too much paperwork.

INT: Does the paperwork take up a lot of your time?

MAN: No.

[Brief pause]

MAN: I don't do any of it.

INT: Oh. Um… are you allowed to do that?

MAN: Paperwork gets in the way of JUSTICE!

[Slamming noise]

INT: Y-yes, er, please sit down sir, and don't hit the table with… your giant stick.

MAN: JUSTICE.

[Chair scraping]

INT: _Okay!_ Next question. What do you think of the marine uniforms?

MAN: [Snort] They're stupid. I'll find that miscreant who designed the uniforms and hit him with a giant stick. _Why_ would you write "MARINES" on everything, even the freaking hats? It's like yelling, "SHOOT ME, I'M FROM THE NAVY!" to every pirate in your vicinity. Plus the scarves are ugly.

INT: I see. What about your… current uniform?

MAN: I like the jacket.

INT: I surmised as much. Do ranking marines generally not wear shirts…?

MAN: There are also female marines.

INT: Oh. I guess not then.

MAN: Sexist.

INT: Moving on! Final question: what bothers you the most about the Navy?

MAN: That we have to listen to those government #$%tards.

INT: W-what?!

MAN: What, did I stutter? I said that I hate those #$%ing #$%ers that are so #$%tarded that they make #$ --

INT: _Thank you, goodbye!_

[Recording ends]

--

**Interview ****13**

[Recording begins]

INT: Hello, miss, thanks for agreeing to be interviewed.

WOMAN: Hmph. Hina was forced to come.

INT: Oh, so your name is Hina?

WOM: Of course. Hina's name is Hina, imbecile.

INT: Um… right. So! Shall we start?

WOM: Well, what are you waiting for? Hina was busy until you decided to interrupt her.

INT: Sorry. Ahem! There aren't many female officers, yet you are female.

WOM: Hina believes that that was quite obvious. Can't you tell that Hina's female?

INT: Er, yes, it's rather easy to… [Cough] Anyways! What is it like being such a highly ranked officer in the Navy?

WOM: Hina finds it fun. Everybody listens to Hina and does what Hina tells them to do. It's very easy to get stupid men to listen to Hina. But Hina hates the paperwork.

INT: Paperwork seems quite unpopular.

WOM: Humph, so you've met Smoker already? Hina thinks the old goat is getting fat.

INT: Right… anyways, what do you usually do in a normal day?

WOM: Hmm… first Hina wakes up and makes herself presentable. Then Hina eats something. After breakfast, Hina makes her rounds to make sure everything is running smoothly on the ship.

INT: That sounds pretty normal.

WOM: Yes, it is routine. Then Hina orders her slaves to do whatever she wants. If there are pirates in the area, Hina will go beat them into a pulp stylishly. Maybe crush their ship too, if Hina is bored. Then Hina must eat lunch or else Hina will be very, _very_ angry and kill some people. In the afternoon, Hina pretend to do paperwork while actually painting nails. Then dinner. Then final rounds. Then beat a few slaves. Then Hina go take a nap.

INT: Er… that… still sounds normal…? Um, next question. What's it like being a Devil Fruit user?

WOM: Oh, Hina finds her powers very useful for capturing criminals. Useful for other things too, but Hina won't tell you.

INT: Is it inconvenient not being able to swim?

WOM: Hina never liked swimming anyways. Ruins Hina's hair.

INT: I see. Last question… uh, this has been bothering me for quite a while now, but… why do you refer to yourself in third person?

WOM: Hina does not know what you're referring to.

INT: See, you just did it again.

WOM: Are you insulting Hina?

[Chair scraping]

INT: U-uh, no, I was just wondering –

WOM: Hina angry now. Hina will demonstrate usefulness of Devil Fruit powers.

[Brief silence]

INT: H-hey! Why did you attach me to my chair?! Answer me!

WOM: Hina already answered your 'last question'. Interview over now. Hina leaving.

[Clicking high-heel shoes]

INT: W-wait! Don't leave me stuck here! Let me out! SOMEBODY HELP M –

[Recording ends]

--

**Interview 21**

[Recording begins]

[Door slams]

WOM: I'm sorry I'm late, ma'am!

INT: That's alright. Please, have a seat.

[Chair scrapes noisily]

INT: Shall we begin with an introduction?

WOM: O-okay! I'm Ensign Tashigi, ma'am!

INT: [Chuckle] Well, aren't you precious? No need to salute, ensign. Please tell me, what do you like most about your job?

WOM: Ooh! Um, I like getting the opportunity to collect swords. Most of the famous katanas are found on the Grand Line, and it's great being able to take them from the bad guys!

INT: Haha, you're pretty enthusiastic about swords! So, are you good at sword-fighting?

WOM: Y-yes, but I have plenty of room to improve.

INT: So modest! Are you sure you're _Smoker's_ second in command?

WOM: Y-yes… the higher-ups assigned me to him since nobody else could, er, handle me.

INT: I'm sure you're wonderful company. Silly superiors.

WOM: Um, that's not _really_ the reason –

INT: Oh! What a pretty sword! Can I take a look?

WOM: Oh! Okay. Here, I'll pass it to you.

INT: Over the table is fine –

[Loud crack]

INT: Eek!

WOM: Ah! The table! I-I'll fix it!

[Chair scrapes]

INT: Don't worry, just leave it to –

[Splintering and crashing noises]

INT: _What the -- ?!_

WOM: My glasses… oh, there! Ah, much better – huh? I didn't know swords could fly.

INT: AAAAAAA –

[Recording ends]

--

**Interview 42**

[Recording begins]

MAN: HELLO!

INT: Uh, hello sir! Please sit down.

[Chair scraping]

MAN: I am Vice-Admiral Garp!

INT: Nice to meet you, sir.

MAN: Would you like some tea and crackers?!

INT: Oh, thank you!

[Clinking noises]

INT: So Garp… what do you like to do in your spare time?

MAN: I generally practice my aim!

INT: So hardworking! Your aim with _what_, pray tell?

MAN: With these!

INT: OH MY – SIR, PLEASE PUT THE CANNONBALL DOWN!

MAN: Why? I haven't thrown one since yesterday. I'll get rusty!

INT: _PLEASE!_

MAN: Oh fine.

[Loud crash]

MAN: Huh. Maybe I shouldn't have dropped it. Oh well. Gwahahaha!

INT: Ha… haha… y-yeah. O-okay, well, your nickname is 'Garp the Fist', right? Can you explain why people call you that?

MAN: Hmm… the only reason I can think of is my mighty Fist of Love!

INT: Fist of… love?

MAN: It is a punch containing all my feelings of affection! Here, I'll show you!

INT: N-no, that's not really necessary -- !

[Crash]

MAN: So! How was it?!

INT: V-very… unforgettable. [Shaky laugh]

MAN: That's the love of D. for you! Gwahahaha!

INT: Charming.

MAN: Those no-good grandsons of mine don't appreciate my Fists of Love! Scoundrels!

INT: G-grandsons? You mean there're _more_ of you?!

MAN: Those ingrates! Becoming pirates even after all the training I gave them to become strong marines! I'm angry just from thinking about it!

INT: Sir, _put down the cannonball!_

MAN: You're no fun!

[Loud crash]

MAN: Huh. Maybe I shouldn't have tossed it over my shoulder. Gwahahaha!

INT: _You broke the wall!_

MAN: Well, it _was_ a cannonball!

INT: _It's rolling down the hill!_

[Distant explosions]

INT: … _thank you_, sir. The interview is over now! Have a nice day!!!

MAN: But there's still so much left to do!

INT: _Good bye!_

[Recording ends]

--

**Interview 57**

[Recording begins]

MAN: Why am I here?! Didn't I already do this?

INT: Sorry sir, but our interview… ended prematurely.

MAN: _You're obstructing JUSTICE!_

INT: Sir, please shut up. [Sigh] This time, I'll ask some more _personal_ questions. Nothing about the marines. At all.

MAN: I don't want to answer personal questions.

INT: Tough cookies. So, why do you smoke two cigars?

MAN: Because I can. And because they're good for me.

INT: Uh, smoking isn't good for –

MAN: I said that they're good for _me_.

INT: Oh, Devil Fruit, right. Okay, then is 'Smoker' your real name?

MAN: Yes.

INT: Really? That's a bit suspicious. I doubt you were named Smoker. I think it's a nickname coming from the nature of your Logia and also the fact that, well, you're a smoker.

MAN: Do you want me to hit you with a giant stick?

INT: Wow, Smoker really is your real name? Who woulda thunk it?! Now that that's settled, are you in a relationship?

MAN: Excuse me? Are you implying that I love someone other than Justice?

INT: No, I'm not – hey, justice isn't a person…

[Chair scraping]

INT: Sir, please put the stick _down!_

MAN: FOR JUSTICE!!!

INT: OH SHI -- !

[Recording ends]

--

**Interview 69**

[Recording begins]

INT: Eh? I thought I was done. Did I forget to interview you?

MAN: … uh, yeah!

INT: Okay. I'm terribly sorry, please take a seat.

[Chair scraping]

INT: So, name please?

MAN: Uh… Commodore… Ecad Sagtrop…?

[Rustling paper]

INT: You don't seem to be in any records…

MAN: Can you blame me for not writing my name down anywhere?

INT: No, not really.

MAN: Got any questions for me?

INT: Actually… no. I didn't know you were coming.

MAN: Ah.

[Pause]

MAN: Ew, you _drink_ that stuff?!

INT: Well, I _am_ rather thirsty.

MAN: Marine coffee is the most disgusting swill _ever_. I recommend adding some milk.

[Door slams]

MAN 1: Uh oh…

MAN 2: _Portgas, what are you doing here?!_

INT: Ah! It's Smoker! _And Fire Fist!!!_

M2: Why do you have a moustache?

M1: It makes me feel handsome.

M2: You look incredibly stupid.

M1: Oh, so I'm sexier without the moustache? Why didn't you just _say_ so?

M2: Why would I say _that?!_

M1: Because I'm sexy!

M2: That's circular logic!

M1: Aw, don't worry, you're sexy too.

[Somebody coughs]

INT: E-eh?!

[Inappropriate sounds]

INT: OH MY GOODNESS.

[Door slams]

WOM: How could you?!

M2: Oh crud.

WOM: You said you'd love me, and _only_ me!!!

M2: Justice, I'm sorry!

INT: Wait, _what?!_ JUSTICE?!

WOM: Why? _Why, _Smoker?!

M1: Because I'm irresistibly sexy and really hot.

M2: Shut up, even though that's technically true. Uh. I mean -- !

WOM: That's _it!_ We're _through!!!_

[Door slams]

M2: JUSTICE! COME BACK!

INT: _This is COMPLETELY #$%ED UP._

M2: Darn you Portgas for being sexy! Uh. I mean, for being here! Wait, _why _were you here?!

M1: I felt like getting interviewed!

[Pause]

M2: … THE TAPE RECORDER!

M1: Oh. I forgot about that.

M2: ARGH!

INT: Eek! No! Not the stick _again!_ [Sobs]

M1: Hey, if you're going to do something kinky with that –

M2: Shut up! You! Interviewing woman!

INT: Yes, sir?!

M2: If _any_ of the contents of this recording goes beyond this room, I WILL HIT YOU.

INT: _Eek! I'LL HIDE IT! I WILL! I WILL!_

M2: Good.

M1: Smokeeeer…

M2: Fine…

[Inappropriate noises]

INT: Screw this! I'm becoming a restaurant owner!

[Door slams]

[Recording ends]

--

_End of transcript__._


End file.
